A Woman's Place

“Hopeaholics” Unite

Posted on February 20, 2012 by womansplace

“A Voice for the Rights of Women Who Had No Voice”

Think of an influential woman, famous or not. Think of a woman who has made an impact on others. Think of a woman who persevered for the best interests of others; someone who dedicates their time and intelligence to help others progress in the world today.

For me, that woman would be my grandmother. Through her actions and manner, she instilled me with dedication, perseverance, responsibility, and etiquette. She was a nurse and cared for others on a daily basis, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally though her compassionate heart and patient understanding. She proved to me that one person really can make a difference in many lives.

You want to talk about power, perseverance, engagement, and motivation?

Let’s look at a woman greatly overlooked for her service and dedication to woman’s rights. Let’s look at Ms. Gloria Steinem.

I chose the term “hopeaholics” because that is what Gloria Steinman is, a hopeaholic. The general definition of hope is “the belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one’s life.” She is addicted to maintaining hope in her life and believes that it is the driving force of achieving change in the world today.

Gloria Steinem is truly a revolutionary force for woman’s rights in the 21^st century. Her name, without a doubt, will go down in history on the list of great woman’s rights activists.

Steinem has contributed greatly to our society today, and many do not even know her name. Her actions have impacted various debatable topics to which she strongly voiced her opinion and backed each word with facts. She speaks with eloquence, confidence, and with a passion that cannot be overlooked.

Gloria is a motivational force in the advancement of women and the progress that we have made since she began fighting for woman’s equality and rights is astounding. Once there was a time where you did not see a woman CEO. You did not see a woman running for president. There was the time that woman were not seen as capable of being leaders, but rather as homemakers. Laundry, cooking, baking, and taking care of the children was the role as a woman. Not anymore.

Now we are leaders. Every woman has the capability to succeed just as much as any man and nothing should make them feel otherwise. Do not let intimidation get in the way of your beliefs, your passion, and your desire to express yourself.

There have been many women who have contributed to woman’s rights. They all fought because they believed in equality among men and women. Aside of being an astounding speaker and political force, Steinem is passionate on all issues of equality, non-violent conflict resolution and exposure to abuse and how it potentially creates a cycle of abuse.

In an interview with Steinem, she was asked, “What do you think are the biggest challenges the world faces today and why?” She responds, “The biggest short-term challenge is violence. Our first normalizers of violence are gender roles that convince us that dominance and submission are normal, and that allow child abuse and any violence within the family. If we raised even one generation of children without violence, we have no idea what might be possible.” (http://www.populationmedia.org/who/interviews/gloria-steinem/)

Gloria Steinem knows that eradicating all violence in every person is impossible. It will never happen, but that never leads her to believe that all hope is lost. Making one person change their violent ways is a start, a new beginning for not only the individual, but those whom they interact with. Putting her trust in hope is the way Gloria Steinem has maintained her success in feminism, as well an activist for so many worthy causes. Her actions will never go unnoticed and the work she continues to do can only add to the long list of accomplishments she has achieved for herself and the millions of other women’s lives she has impacted.

Posted in Everyday Stuff | Tagged : Feminist, : Violence, Activist, Cycle of Abuse, Woman’s Equality, Woman’s Rights | Leave a comment

Things Unseen

Posted on February 16, 2012 by womansplace

http://www.womenaware.ca/ourservices/2-teen-dating-and-abuse-prevention

Abuse comes in different forms, and at different times. It can be viral, physical, mental, sexual or emotional. Abuse doesn’t only occur between married couples, or those going through a divorce, It CAN start young.

They say you can’t help who you fall in love with, but sometimes the wrong people fall in love. My best friend fell in love in the ninth grade. She had several desirable characteristics. She was confident, funny, and cute. She could belt huge lyrics that instantly give you chills. My friend and this boy began dating in our freshman year. On the outside, they portrayed an adorable couple, but on the inside something evil was growing. Time went on, and as it did, I watched my friend change. It was a slow, gradual change, but it was there. He showed all the signs of a control freak. Through my friend’s eyes he wasn’t controlling, he was “just protective.” As time went on, he wanted to control more and more things. “You can’t wear tight clothing,” he would say. (Control over clothing, sign one). If she did wear tight clothing, her phone was flooded with texts from him calling her names like, slut. So she stopped wearing tight clothing. Weeks later, I started to hear him tell her she was not allowed to talk to any of her male friends. (Control over association, sign two). Although, when she was not around, he would talk to tons of his female friends. He made their relationship a double standard. What she wasn’t “allowed” to do, he could. As a result, she stopped talking to all of her male friends. While she gave up those friendships, he cheated on her. They broke up, and I thought it was finally over. I knew she deserved better. Little did I know, this was only the beginning.

Even after their relationship ended, he still wanted control over her. He would continue to harass her through text messages when he saw her wearing something he didn’t approve of, talking to another guy, or sometimes for no reason at all. One night a group of us got together. My friend finally started to realize that she was single and did not owe anything to her ex. She started talking to the guy friends she had abandoned. As soon as her ex saw, he came over and threatened that if she did not stop talking to her male friend, he would punch her in the face. (Any kind of threat, sign three). She got scared, and did as he said. Once he felt her slipping from his control, he began to put her down. He would tell her she was ugly and fat, which she is not. (Destruction of self-confidence, sign four). The part that crushed me the most as her best friend, is that fact that she began to believe it. She lost her confidence, she became timid, and panicked that he was always watching her, or that he would find out what she was doing and get mad at her for it. I watched as the group of friends she was once was surrounded by dwindle. No one wanted to be a part of their drama, so they avoided the situation as a whole.

I watched my best friend’s cheery eyes die and become empty. I watched as she lost touch of herself, and unfortunately, I watched her go back to him one too many times. No matter how much I counter argued what he said, and told her time and time again that she did not deserve this treatment, she would not believe me over him. He had already brainwashed her into believing everything he said. He would say,” I love you,” and suddenly all bad that occurred before was erased, and they would begin all over again. Lovey-dovey couple, sign one, sign two, sign three, sign four, all leading to the same end result.

The hard thing about being an outsider looking in is that you can’t change the abusers ways. I couldn’t change the way he chose to treat my best friend, or how he spoke to her. I couldn’t change the names he called her or the adjectives he used to describe her, but I was able to act as a sense of support to her through these hard times and now, I am able to raise awareness of domestic violence among teens. If you are someone who has experienced or knows someone who has experienced even one of these sign, don’t wait until you lose yourself. Contact A Woman’s Place to seek help and support.

Posted in Teen Dating Abuse and Violence | Tagged : Violence, Abuser, Control, Domestic Violence, Teen Dating Abuse, Threat | Leave a comment

Bad Romance

Posted on February 14, 2012 by womansplace

If you are caught in one, here is how to get out of it.

One summer, a long time ago, I found myself carted into a therapist’s office so that I could talk about my ex-boyfriend. It was very embarrassing. I had gone to a doctor for insomnia and he asked me when I had stopped sleeping well. I told him I’d had this bad break-up recently and that I was just, I don’t know, upset? And I started talking about it. And crying. He looked at me like, OK, no drugs for you, and walked me downstairs to a therapist’s office, where he booked me an appointment for the hour.

So I told the therapist my story, which I was quite convinced of at the time. It went like this: I met this guy and he was really smart and I wasn’t. I knew that because he told me so and, since he was really smart, it had to be true. Also, this guy was really cool and I wasn’t. I knew that because he told me so. Also, this guy really knew how to have fun. I didn’t know how to do that—he’d told me I was always getting in the way of fun. Also, this guy had a lot of problems and I didn’t do enough to fix them. I mean, I tried. But I was actually the reason he wasn’t getting anywhere in life. How did I know that? He told me so.

I felt so lucky to be with a cool, smart, fun guy. He was so generous to date me, even though I wasn’t cool or smart or fun. And then we’d broken up, and it was all my fault, and now I had a new boyfriend, but I didn’t deserve one because I was awful.

The therapist looked at me. She spent a while looking at me. And then she did me the biggest favor that anyone ever has: she cracked up laughing.

The story I was telling did not make sense. There was no reason I should believe it. And once we’d established that, we could talk about my actual problem, which was not that guy, and it wasn’t that I was awful, either. My problem was that if someone told me I was awful, I would believe it. And I would reorganize my entire life—including my feelings, thoughts, values, tastes, clothing, habits, and personality—and sit there wondering why I wasn’t happy.

People do this all the time. Every friend I’ve ever had has done this, at some point, to some extent. There are a lot of intense feelings—often sexy feelings!—that go along with first relationships. There are lots of stories about what it means to love someone and when you haven’t loved many people, you tend to believe them.

You tend to believe, for instance, that being in love is the most wonderful and important thing in the world. That being in love means you are pretty, even if your partner is unkind about your appearance. That being in love means you are likable, even when your partner doesn’t honor your thoughts and preferences. That being in love means you aren’t alone, so you want to stay with someone even when you feel lonely in the relationship.

And girls? Girls are supposed to play it cool and not be clingy, so I never asked for more when he didn’t bother to call me on my birthday. Girls were supposed to have a good sense of humor and not be nags, so I didn’t object even when he insulted me to my face under the guise of “constructive criticism” or “just joking.” Girls are supposed to be sexy, so I was endlessly responsive to his sexual needs even when that included denigrating or neglecting mine.

These notions are harmful. Lots of them entail losing yourself, or hurting yourself, or giving away your own power. But we tell these stories all the time. There’s a part in every Twilight installment where someone is like, “So, Bella, can we talk about how your boyfriend’s plans entail literally destroying your soul and sucking the very life out of your body?” and she’s like, “But he’s the sparkliest boy in school! I will love him forever.”

I get it. I’ve done it. And so have a lot of people. But if you’re in that situation, or if you’ve just gotten out of it, there are certain things you need to know to make sure it does not happen again.

1. Learn the Term “Gaslight”

The first thing to know about relationships is that they should never be about control. There are lots of ideas about what constitutes a good relationship, but, for the purposes of this article, we’re going to define “bad relationship” in one way: a bad relationship is one in which someone else attempts to control how you behave, think, and feel about yourself.

Sometimes, a controlling partner may be very obvious and extreme. They may keep track of how much you spend or tell you how to dress or tell you to stop hanging out with family or friends. They may threaten you with punishment if you don’t obey them. If any of this is happening, you need to walk away. This is abuse and it has to end.

But many controlling people aren’t obvious or extreme. Some relationships exist on the continuum between “abusive” and “great.” They’re codependent or toxic or they rely on what is called “ambient abuse”—not overt, visible forms of harm, but subtle ones that gradually take away your ability to function. If people overtly harm you, you might leave them. Many controlling people know this, and have figured out ways to make their behavior seem like your fault, which is called gaslighting. It’s presenting someone with false information in order to make them unsure of what is happening and unable to respond correctly. If you’ve ever said something like, “What you said really hurt my feelings” and the other person responded with “I didn’t say that” or “You’re too sensitive” or “It hurts my feelings when you say I’ve hurt you,” you’ve experienced gaslighting. You’re being manipulated into thinking you can’t remember things, or respond appropriately, or that you’re a hurtful person, so that someone else can avoid apologizing.

The gaslighter may change the “rules” of the relationship very rapidly or create a no-win situation in which you’re told to do two contradictory things and will be punished for failing to do either. This can be overt: You’re lazy, so you should work harder on your homework, but you’re also uncaring, so I need you to pick up the phone when I call you during homework hours. Or it can be subtle: I need my girlfriend to have a good sense of style, so never wear a shirt that I don’t like, but also, if you have a good sense of style, you shouldn’t have to ever ask me which shirts I like. No matter what you do, you fail. And then this person punishes you for failing.

And here’s the thing: Gaslighting, the tactic, is named after Gaslight, the 1944 movie, which is about a guy who tries to get his wife diagnosed as incurably insane by doing this. It’s not always fully intentional, and it’s not always done primarily to harm you—alcoholics, for example, are almost invariably gaslighters, because that’s how they get people to enable or overlook their drinking—but it causes real and profound damage. It erodes your sense of reality, destroys your self-esteem, and reduces you to a depressed, fearful, self-loathing, hysterical person. At which point, the gaslighter tells you that they treat you badly because you’re hysterical!

2. Don’t Blame Yourself

Your first reaction, when you realize you’re being treated badly, may be confusion. You may spend a long time trying to figure out why they did it. So I’m going to do you a favor. I’m going to tell you why: because you are awesome. These relationships do not happen because you are a bad partner. They happen because you are a good partner and someone else used that against you.

As discussed, people who treat you badly often say you deserve it because you’re not giving enough, or you don’t care about their problems, or you’re too demanding. But here’s the rub: people who date mean or controlling people, or even overtly abusive people, don’t do it because they lack empathy or forgiveness or patience. People date mean or controlling people because they have too much empathy, forgiveness, and patience. You can see a good person in your partner even when other people wouldn’t, you can exercise an unusual amount of compassion, and this partner noticed that you would put up with things that other people wouldn’t. It’s awful. And now, it’s done. Because you are leaving.

3. Do Not Ride the Escalator

You can’t make this person be fair to you. I repeat: you cannot make this person be fair to you. And you do not have to try. You need to have your self-respect, your dignity, and your own firm belief in the fact that you are kind, fair, and trustworthy. I’ve lost that a few times. But I have never lost it more profoundly than on the occasions when I tried to get someone who was toxic to treat me nicely.

The fact is, people call these relationships “toxic” for a reason. They make you sick. And the longer you keep yourself entangled in one— whether that’s by forgiving the person, or by trying to get even with the person, or even just trying to get that person to understand the impact of his or her behavior—the sicker you become. I’m not trying to say that you should walk away from resolvable conflicts. We’ve talked about how there are good and necessary ways to resolve conflicts. You should try those. If you’re old enough, and this relationship is very serious, you can even ask that person if they are willing to get help with you to work through the relationship’s problems. (Although you should also get independent help to take care of yourself.) But if that’s not working, you need to leave before you start acting out.

It’s very hard to respond in a healthy way to an unhealthy situation. If someone keeps twisting your words, or blaming you, or manipulating you, eventually you’re going to start thinking that word-twisting and blaming and manipulation are the way to win an argument. If someone wants to prove you are a mean or weak person, they’re going to do and say things that would cause any reasonable person to feel upset so that they can watch you fall apart or lose your temper. You’ll become the one escalating the fight. You’ll scream awful things, you’ll cry for days, you’ll do mean stuff to even the score, and you’ll lose yourself completely—all because you thought there was some way to make this person be fair.

You cannot justify being cruel or inappropriate because of someone else’s actions. So you need to have rules here for what you will let yourself do or say, and you need to stick to them them. You can’t make this person do, feel, or say anything, not even “sorry.” All you can do is believe the following:

4. You Have No Power Over Me

When I was little, I loved the movie Labyrinth. This was because my grandparents told me it was made specifically for me. It was about a girl who picked on her little brother. I also picked on my little brother. Clearly, this was an instructional film about how, if I were not nice to my little brother, he would be taken away by goblins. I tried to get my little brother taken away by goblins like 14 times after I watched it. Sometimes my grandparents’ plans backfired.

But Labyrinth is a very instructional film—it just happens to be about dating. The girl, Sarah, clearly has a crush on the David Bowie character because who doesn’t? And Bowie clearly has a crush on Sarah. Because of this, Sarah gets dropped into this complex and dangerous maze. There are rules, riddles, bogs, monsters, and awfulness, and David Bowie just stands there and says: “I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave.” That’s the actual line! That’s the line every toxic partner will always feed you. And that’s why this is so instructional.

Because it turns out that fearing him, loving him, or doing as he says is not necessary for Sarah. She didn’t even have to walk through the maze. What she has to do, in the end, is look him in the eye and say one thing. There’s a whole big build-up around it involving how much he’s put her through and how awesome she is—“through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here,” blah blah, “my will is as strong as yours and my kingdom is as great”—but that’s not it. That’s a waste of time until she says the one thing that counts: “You have no power over me.” She has to say those words and know how true they are. And then the whole maze falls apart. And she’s home.

You are going to get home. You already are: you are in control of your own life. All you have to do is remember that. Granted, in order to realize that, a professional therapist, who is hired to hear people say nonsensical and unhealthy things without reacting judgmentally, may have to actually laugh right into your face. Or not. Maybe you just read an article on the internet and things started to make more sense to you. ♦

Reprinted from: http://rookiemag.com/2012/02/bad-romance/

Posted in Teen Dating Abuse and Violence | Tagged Bad Romance, Gaslighting, Rookie, Teen Dating Abuse and Violence | Leave a comment

Eat Dessert First

Posted on February 6, 2012 by womansplace

Who doesn’t love chocolate? The rich, creamy, delicious flavor melts in your mouth. The smell is distinctive and keeps you coming back for more. Forget those New Year resolutions for one evening, and join us at Chocolate Lovers’ Fantasy.

Growing up, my grandmother and I would make all kinds of chocolate concoctions: chocolate cake, chocolate fudge, chocolate brownies, chocolate truffles. Anything you can think of that was chocolate, we made. Anything chocolate that you can think of will be at Chocolate Lover’s Fantasy.

There are many myths of chocolate; it’s unhealthy, high in caffeine, causes headaches, cavities, acne and weight gain. Doesn’t sound quite pleasant, right? No worries! There is no truth behind these myths!

Sparkpeople.com , (http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/nutrition_articles.asp?id=1019 ) shows that the myths that we tend to believe are wrong. In fact, each myth listed above is wrong.

The caffeine in a chocolate bar is the same amount of caffeine that you would consume in a 8 oz. cup of decaf coffee. Yes, I said DECAF. Skip your cup of morning coffee and go for the chocolate bar if you need that extra “pick- me- up” throughout the day! (Your preference, of course.) For Chocolate Lover’s Fantasy, the motto for the month: forget the coffee and go for the chocolate! Again, who doesn’t love chocolate?

A few fun chocolate facts…

Chocolate is an antioxidant and a “good source of magnesium, copper, iron and zinc. It also contains an antioxidant also found in tea and red wine, that has been associated with a decreased risk of coronary disease.” (www.sparkpeople.com)
- Eating chocolate can also reduce the symptoms of stress.
- Chocolate is beneficial for proper blood flow to the lungs and other organs.
- The minerals in chocolate help to increase brain power and function. (www.escoffier.com)

So make room on your calendar on for this coming Saturday evening, February 11^th. We welcome all to join us at the 17^th annual Chocolate Lover’s Fantasy. Your attendance, contribution, and dedication to our organization is greatly appreciated.

Don’t forget to come prepared to indulge!

Posted in Special Times | Tagged Chocolate, Chocolate Lovers' Fantasy | Leave a comment

Choose to Date. Choose to be Safe.

Posted on January 29, 2012 by womansplace

Facts according to the National Institute of Justice……

1: One in Ten teens admits to being a victim of physical dating violence.

2: Teen dating abuse generally takes place in one of the partners’ homes.

3: One in Four teens report verbal, physical, sexual or emotional abuse each year.

A friend I went to high school with began dating her, now, ex-boyfriend, in her sophomore year. He was her first “real” boyfriend and she seemed to fall head over heels for him. They dated up until her senior year. At the start of the years, things seemed great ,but as months went by, manipulation and control set in. The manipulation made her a different person. She began doings things she would not normally do and isolating herself from her friends in order to be with him.

As much as she would do for him, he never went out of his way to do anything for her. He often ignored her phone calls, blew her off constantly, and would disappear for a few days without contact to anyone, including his family.

The junior year homecoming dance came and she was so excited to go with him. She bought a brand new dress, got her hair and nails done, and spent endless time getting ready. This perfect night that she envisioned turned out to be the polar opposite.

He arrived at her home for pictures, but what she didn’t know was that there was a bottle of alcohol waiting in the car. On the way to the dance he couldn’t keep his hands off of that bottle. By the end of the dance, he had shoved her multiple times and pinned her up against a wall. It happened once, she forgave, and of course, it happened again.

February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month. It is important that not only teenagers, but everyone, understands the significant impact that teen dating violence has on the victim and their family and friends.

What is Teen Dating Violence?

Dating violence does not only consist of being physically harmed. It can be verbal, mental, physical, or sexual abuse and they all have an incredible impact on the victim. The effects on the victim can vary, ranging from missing a couple of classes, to the most extreme, suicide.

According to www.teendvmonth.org there are 10 Warning Signs of Abuse that are most common:

· Checking your cell phone or email without permission

· Constantly putting you down

· Extreme jealousy or insecurity

· Explosive temper

· Isolating you from family or friends

· Making false accusations

· Mood swings

· Physically hurting you in any way

· Possessiveness

· Telling you what to do

Teen Dating Violence vs. Adult Domestic Violence

There is a difference between teen dating violence and adult domestic violence. Teens are often more vulnerable and less experienced with relationships. If a young teen is involved in a violent relationship initially, they tend to believe that it is the way a relationship should be and become more inclined to isolate themselves. With isolation brings lack of ability to create new relationships among both genders and a fear of expressing feelings and emotions. Isolation affects a victim’s ability to succeed to the best of their ability in school or work. These are just the short term effects of teen dating violence.

Long term effects of dating violence takes a toll on teens. The short term feelings of isolation and abuse can generate the long term problems that can stay with the victim for life such as depression, drug or alcohol abuse, eating disorders, and medical problems.

The most important thing for teens to know is they should never feel as if they are responsible for the abuse.

Fortunately, my friend that I went to high school with was able to get out of that “head over heels” relationship that she was in. She moved away, went to college, and is graduating in just a few short months with Dean’s List grades, fantastic experiences, and someone who treats her as she deserves to be treated.

That “friend” was me.

Posted in Teen Dating Abuse and Violence | Tagged National Institute of Justice, Teen Dating, Teen Dating Abuse and Violence, Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month | Leave a comment

Stalking: Know it. Name it. Stop it.

Posted on January 22, 2012 by womansplace

“She saw him jogging on the spot outside her house on Christmas Day, he hung around her workplace, he broke into her car, he posed as a parent to gain entrance to her child’s nursery, he paid for background searches to be made into her husband and her father, he phoned her late at night, sent her letters and Valentine cards and flowers, he managed to get hold of photographs of her wedding (which he used as a screen saver), he had a Google Earth aerial map of her home, he Googled her over 40,000 times in one year (this is an average of more than 100 times a day).”

–The Telegraph

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/crime/7028882/Stalking-intrusive-abusive-and-deadly.html

Sounds utterly insane, morally and ethically wrong and intrusive, right?

Sounds like a story? Is it made up or not?

It is true; and all too inappropriate and disturbing.

When I think of stalking, I think of the “Peeping Tom” staring in your window. I was surprised to learn the detrimental effects that a stalker has on its victim, long after the stalking has stopped. I was reading an article on a young married mother of two, Claire Waxman. In college she met Elliot Fogel, and rejected his advances. Ten years later, he found her again, and embarked on seven years of stalking, leaving the scars of mental and physical exhaustion and abuse on Waxman and her family’s lives forever.

The initial quote shows the depth that a stalker will take in order to achieve what he or she has set out to accomplish. The goal: power and control. What does an abuser seek to accomplish? Power and control.

She forgot about him after college. She intended to forget about him forever, but he maneuvered his way back into her life. Now she will never forget him. He is engrained in her memory. What did he accomplish? Power and control.

Stalkers are sly. They have strategies in mind that allow them to avoid the law and the consequences of their actions. They walk a fine line and walk it very well. They understand what is and is not appropriate according to law. They do not take into account what is appropriate in the everyday life of a happily married woman with two children.

In this case, Elliot Fogel received 16 months in prison for the seven years of torment to which he subjected to Claire Waxman and her family. Sixteen months just does not seem enough.

The vast majority of women killed by their partners were stalked before their death (The Telegraph). Stalking is harassment and intimidation. Abuse is the same. It is important we recognize the steps or stages of abuse and realize that stalking and intimidation springboards into an unhealthy and potentially deadly relationship.

Stalkers have power and control at the top of their list for each person they victimize. Stalkers walk that fine line because they think they can get away with the harm they are causing. We need to realize that stalking is not okay. No one should feel they cannot seek help because they are not being physically harmed. Stalking is mental and emotional abuse. Physical abuse scars may have the potential to heal. Emotional abuse scars can fade from memory, but they are always present in the back of the mind of every victim.

Posted in Domestic Violence | Tagged Claire Waxman, Elliot Fogel, National Stalking Awareness Month, Stalking, The Telegraph | Leave a comment

Nonviolent Social Change

Posted on January 15, 2012 by womansplace

“The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral,
begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy.
Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it.
Through violence you may murder the liar,
but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth.
Through violence you may murder the hater,
but you do not murder hate.
In fact, violence merely increases hate.
So it goes.
Returning violence for violence multiplies violence,
adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness:
only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”
–Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

You wake up in the morning and prepare for your daily routine. Each day seems just like the last. You get in your car, drive to your destination, complete your duties, and prepare yourself for the next day ahead of you. Everything you do, you do to the fullest. You want to make an impact. You want to do things in a way that positively affects others. The small steps and contributions you put out in life lead to social change. Nonviolence is key. Ignorance and violence simply fail in the end. Martin Luther King Jr. proved this to be true.

On Martin Luther King Day, many tend to remember and reflect on his infamous “I Have a Dream” speech. King was a leader in the civil rights movement, and serves as a reminder that peaceful protest and nonviolence trumps all. King was a motivating force and his ability to succeed was due, in part, to his peaceful, understanding and patient demeanor. The power of non-violence still shines through his legacy to this day.

We must understand is that being a nonviolent resister does not mean that we are weak or walked upon, but rather we have the courage to stand up for ourselves and prove we are worthy of more than simply being intimidated. With Martin Luther King Jr., his nonviolent protest did not attack those who had attacked him, but focused on a system that had seemed to lose all sight of “liberty and justice for all.”

I have lived in various places within the United States that has given me the opportunity to meet many different types of people and experienced different individuals who have endured lives that I could not even imagine. Ironically, it has been those who had less, who had endured many hardships and still do until this day, that were the most sincere and caring. They gave back to their community and felt a need to help others the best they could. Volunteering and contributing regardless of your background should be something that we all do. Not only does it help others in need, but brings together and builds community bonds that benefit all.

As Dr. King himself said, “We are prone to judge success by the index of our salaries or the size of our automobiles, rather than by the quality of our service relationship to humanity.”

The quality of our service relationship to humanity should define who we are. Possessions are temporary. Honesty, integrity, and positive contributions last a lifetime.

Posted in Special Times | Tagged Day of Giving, Martin Luther King Jr, Non Violent Social Change, Volunteering | Leave a comment

Ellen Pence will be missed…

Posted on January 11, 2012 by womansplace

When faced with recounting the legacy of Ellen Pence the inadequacy of the written word is stark. She loved deeply, thought brilliantly, worked tirelessly, gave generously, and laughed so beautifully in every realm of her life. There is not one who met her, even for the briefest of time, that could leave her presence without a smile and an insight into some aspect of themselves or others.

Pence co-founded the Duluth Domestic Abuse Intervention Project (DAIP), an inter-agency collaboration model used in all 50 states in the United States and more than 17 countries. A leader in both the battered women’s movement and the emerging field of institutional ethnography, she was the recipient of numerous awards including the 2008 Society for the Study of Social Problems Dorothy E. Smith Scholar Activist Award for significant contributions in a career of activist research.

Known for her generosity, quick wit, and sense of humor, Ellen learned from battered women and has worked with and trained thousands of professionals in the domestic violence field. Her work with men who batter is the basis of DAIP’s Creating a Process of Change for Men Who Batter.

Born in Minneapolis, Minnesota, Pence graduated from St. Scholastica in Duluth with a B.A. She was active in institutional change work for battered women since 1975 and helped found the DAIP in 1980. Pence received her PhD in Sociology from the University of Toronto in 1996. She used institutional ethnography as a method of organizing community groups to analyze problems created by institutional intervention in families.

Pence is credited with creating the Duluth model of intervention in domestic violence cases, Coordinated Community Response (CCR), which uses an interagency collaborative approach involving police, probation, courts, and human services in response to domestic abuse. The primary goal of CCR is to protect victims from ongoing abuse.

In 1998 Pence founded Praxis International and was the chief author and architect of the Praxis Institutional Audit, a method of identifying, analyzing, and correcting institutional failures to protect people drawn into legal and human service systems because of violence and poverty.

Pence dedicated her life to ending violence against women. She led, supported, and enlisted so many of us in that struggle. Her confident guidance, keen wit, and relentless vision that such violence could and would be ended will be missed. In honor of Ellen Pence, they will also serve as an inspiration and charge to each of us to continue on until that vision is achieved.

Ellen Pence died of breast cancer on January 6, 2012 surrounded by the love and company of close friends and family.

May the life, work, love, and legacy of Ellen Pence be long remembered. A Woman’s Place is honored to be part of that movement.

Thank you to Praxis International and Peg Dierkers of the Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence for their words shared here today.

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From ALL of US at A Woman’s Place…

Posted on December 25, 2011 by womansplace

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A Letter to My Ally

Posted on December 15, 2011 by womansplace

One of my girlfriends had been in the hospital several times, but I didn’t know it was because of domestic violence. She said, “I’m afraid. I’m afraid for my daughter. I never know what’s going to happen one minute to the next.” She was shot in the head. No one helped her. She died that day.*

You and I are connected. We are connected by a common cause, a mutual purpose. We are allies in our shared commitment to ending domestic violence. I thank you for your commitment to this serious issue and ask you to continue that commitment and support by making a financial contribution to A Woman’s Place (AWP) today.

I found AWP after the loss of my best friend. Some might say that I found AWP too late, but I know that I found AWP right when I was supposed to. I found AWP when I was full of self-blame and have been able to realize that I hold a story and an experience that is much too valuable to waste. My story is not only a story of loss. It is a story of hope – for the many lives that can be saved when we know of, support, and partner with the resources that are available to each and every one of us. Like so many other victims of domestic violence, my friend was frozen in shame – in the shame of dreams not achieved and expectations not met. She needed to know that she did not cause the abuse she was experiencing. She needed to know that she was not responsible for the violence she feared. She needed AWP. If we are going to build a healthier community, defined by peace and safety rather than violence and shame, we all need AWP.

I welcomed the opportunity that AWP gave me to tell my friend’s story… Brenda’s Story.

I still mourn for her today, but I know she is watching me and is proud of me for sharing her story. She would want others to know that there is help. That there is a place and there are people for them to turn to. She would want us all, as allies, to share our commitment and to tell the stories.

In AWP I found strength. I found a community of allies that would help me to heal and would join me is spreading the news that there are caring people and a caring place where victims of domestic violence can go for help. In AWP I found a place to tell Brenda’s Story and allies eager to hear and share that story so that others might be spared Brenda’s fate. Thank you again for being an ally, and thank you for making a contribution to AWP today.

I just blamed myself for so many things I could have done… should have done. A friend of mine at work said, “You know, there’s a place. It’s called A Woman’s Place…. You need to go.”

That’s where I needed to be.*

Sincerely,

Leona Brewington
A Woman’s Place Volunteer

* Excerpt from Leona Brewington’s remarks in AWP’s recent video. To watch the video, visit www.awomansplace.org and click on “Watch Our Video” on the right sidebar. You can find Brenda’s Story on AWP’s homepage.

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